ALL-YOU-EVER-WANTED-TO-KNOW-ABOUT-CARPETS.TO-GO
15Pages

Dear Reader, here at miinu, we think about carpets all day, every day. The materials, the designs. The pros and cons of different sizes, shapes and colours. The hidden weaknesses and obvious strengths of varied fringes, fibres and textures. Because we love carpets. We love their emotions and their character flaws. We love carpets with skeletons in their closets, the flashy show-offs and the timid first timers. Our carpets tell us everything. Really, everything. And so we took all this in-depth information and compiled it for you, dear Reader. In easily digestible lists. Have fun! miinu

What a miinu is really thinking. Yeah, yeah stomp around. From kings to beggars. You can all do it. Learning from carpets means learning how to lie down. Draft! Close the door! Doze, Zzzzz, what’s that?! He,he,he .. Barefoot! Ticklish! Ha,ha,ha, Zzzzz, doze. Floor below, air above, hoover once a day. What could be better? Squished in. Too much furniture. In the kitchen. What could be worse? A piano? A piano!! Oh no. An olive oil pressing machine? Here?? In the living room?! I give up. What?! The Greek restaurant downstairs has got a new flue for its extractor fan? And it comes out directly...

QUALITY INSPECTIONS THAT EVERY MIINU MUST SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETE. ► The Major Elk Test (sharp-hoofed mammals with a wide turning radius). ► Skid test after heavy rainfall. ► 10 years of rolling an office chair over one spot (simulation). ► A really good combing. ► A Chinese burn plus torment by tickling. ► Alarm at the sight of centipedes. ► Private washing session with Mr Clean and Cillit Bang. ► Mule Stampede (at least 1000). ► Welcoming reception at the Congress for Stiletto Heel Fetishists. ► Complete-body tattoo and subsequent removal.

MIINU'S TARGET GROUPS. ► Female merchant ship owners with impeccable taste. ► Parquet floor haters. ► People who do something that is somehow involved with the media. ► Squash players, surfers and people from Berlin. ► Smoothies with pizzazz. ► Women with eyebrows. ► Mondaine men with panache and a moustache.

OTHER POSSIBLE USES ► Animal shelter for very small animals. Really, really small animals. ► Waiting area for commercial breaks on TV. ► Orientation point for home navigation. ► Prop for a documentary about cadaver transport techniques within the Mafia. ► Curtain (the ability to abstract is a prerequisite). ► Q-Tip for Godzilla (rolled). ► Sound-reducing kick drum filler material for rich musicians. ► Screen saver for a 20,000" computer screen. ► Film screen - no projection required to look good! ► Bond, James Bond, style chill space.

► Mish, mash and miscellaneous. ► Contact details and password for NoStringsAttached.com. ► Flat feet, flat jokes and sofa stoppers. ► Slightly smaller rugs. ► Old German deutschmarks or other foreign currency that, for some complicated reason, can only be exchanged at the National Central Bank.

Other floor coverings. A comparison. Turns every floor into a sensation. Makes the world a living hell. Can be found in lofts in Gstaad, Monaco and Paris. Can be found in fairground kiosks and student halls of residence. Is like rolling out the red carpet at Cannes. Is like taking the artist’s exit at the haunted house ride. Is a reflection of the owner’s exquisite taste. Leaves a bad taste in the owner’s mouth .. Don't drive, have a chauffeur. .. as they drag themselves along the beaten track. Is proof of the owner’s stylishly cosmopolitan expertise. Owners love speckled patterns and argue...

And what’s to come? The mega trends in the world of carpets. Free-range farmed rugs and carpets. Transparent, glass fibre carpeting. The Just-in-Time Carpet. It comes into existence when you enter the room. The Event Carpet. Includes compere, TV chef, juggler and show fountain. The ‚Negative Chameleon’ edition. The carpet reacts to the less positive emotions of those present. Includes levels: Slightly Crumpled, Rolled Up, Hiding in a Corner, Aggressive Rearing Up. Carpet To Go – good enough to eat. Carpet on Wheels (360°). Carpets containing no preservatives. With real fruit! Carpet with...

How would a room look without a miinu? Bottomless. Like a rider without a horse. Take note! A horse without a rider is still a horse, but a rider without a horse .. well. Somehow impractical. One would be constantly slipping over and hurting one’s knee on the marble stairs because one’s ermine dressing gown had ridden up. The windows would be glad. Finally a bit of limelight for them! Psychologically seen: ice-cold. Guests would freeze on the spot emotionally and turn into pillars of salt. No one wants that. Shocking! The atrium would immediately deteriorate into a pigsty. That’s just not...

Passé carpet innovations. Dust-biting carpets. Hair carpets (made with hair from the owner). Disposable carpets. Carpets decorated with a picture of the entire Internet (out since 1987) Complete carpet piercings, framed by steel-wool dreadlocks. Farting carpets. Every step, a fart. Reversible carpets. When one side gets dirty, just flip it over! When the other side gets dirty, too? All that’s left then is the carpet cemetery. Carpets with build-in furniture. Talking carpets. Includes such bon mots as: ‚Oi, cheeky monkey!’, or ‚Hey, you up there!’, and ‚You’ll never guess how fat you look...

The golden rules of the carpet business. Horizontal stripes add pounds. Of course, you can lay a carpet the other way round. Horizontal merely becomes vertical. Black swallows room colour. Plan in some windows. Shag doesn’t suit everyone. And it doesn’t have to. The important thing is you walk on it with dignity. If the carpet doesn’t fit in the room today, it will tomorrow! Dyeing is unpleasant for every carpet but a necessity! A little tip: scratch the carpet’s underside during the proceedings and all will be forgiven. Say no to cord. Never shorten a carpet yourself! Carpets have the...